I haven’t had the desire to write for a long time. Tonight, I do. It’s been a while because I have been working through a lot of stuff, and I feel like things have shifted for me in a positive way. So, instead of writing a worrisome and potentially negative post, I wanted to write something happy for once.
I’ve been working on change in 2017: changing my internal monologue, changing the house I live in, changing my job. It’s been scary as shit to me. See, I relate really well to Sheldon Cooper’s quote “it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.” I have the “Who Moved my Cheese?” book to try and help me with changes, my friends know about my fear of change, my work people know, my supervisor knows. So when I say that I have been willingly changing things, you need to understand how HUGE that is. But even that attitude is changing.
I found a therapist who is good for me. I don’t see him on a regular basis anymore, but I am able to see him when I need it. Sure, I didn’t see him for 3 months (and had few anxiety attacks!) Yes, I went twice in December, and thanks to that, I am now dealing with the “medical trauma” from Las Vegas two years ago in a different way. I can look at pictures from the trip without anger or guilt. I am becoming far more comfortable with the reality of who I am, and not pretending as much, not acting as the person I think people want to know. If you don’t like me, your loss. I’m good. I started a LOOOOONG process of going through all the physical stuff in my house, in my classroom and in my storage locker. I have gotten rid of things I held onto because they were from my past or they were my dad’s. I am continuing that since I cannot stress HOW MUCH stuff I have.
I finally said good-bye to my dad. I can talk about him with a few tears, but not the gut wrenching feeling I have had in the past. I didn’t hate the idea of Christmas this year, because I went through a process of letting him go. I still need to deal with his ashes, but that is more of a time thing.
I have a new part of my job two days a week that I ADORE. Seriously, I was going out on Fridays with a friend and was happy and excited about the stuff I had done in my job and was looking forward, not back.
I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but the path no longer looks scary. I have professionals, friends, and family on the path to support me when I stumble, to encourage me, to celebrate with me. So I decided that this year, I need to focus on SELF. What does that look like to me? Right now, it means not being the last person at school every day; coming to terms that while I love my job, I need to remember it is a job. I am trying to cook at home, and only eat out once a week. My control has been so much better with this. I am controlling my stress better and my blood glucose levels show it. For the first time in years, I feel like (despite the bad days) I have control over this disease, rather than it kicking my ass. I have chosen to take a day every weekend to sleep in, rest, see friends, go to a movie by myself, do things that are not housework or schoolwork. I did it this weekend, and I feel rejuvenated and ready for the day tomorrow. And I have to figure out a way to put myself out there without setting my anxiety into overdrive. I want to try this whole dating thing, I just know it will have many fumbles and stumbles. But I want to try; I just don’t know how yet.
Tonight, I was listening to The Greatest Showman’s song “This is Me” and I can honestly say that I cried. Not sad tears, but truly happy ones, because it has taken me 43 years to come to a point where I can say to myself, “this is me, and I am happy with it”, and yes, I am. So thank you 2017 for the amazing journey of change, and to 2018, it’s time to continue shaping my best self.