And so I cry sometimes
When I’m lying in bed just to get it all out
What’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
-What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes
I lost a lot of hope today. I’m not overly proud of it, but it happened. After a couple of amazing days, things just crashed down on me this afternoon, and I cried and cried. I am still weepy and I don’t know if it will stop until I have answers. I know I should do the feelings chart for my therapist, but I can’t seem to think of what I need to do to stop catastrophizing the things going on.
I found out that the hospital where I am supposed to have my CT scan done lost my chart again. It’s all fixed now, but what I thought was a scan to see what was causing my optic nerve to swell is actually to see if I have an aneurysm in my brain. People have told me that I don’t as I have no symptoms of one. And no, I don’t have any symptoms of a burst one, but I do have symptoms of one sitting in my cranium. Not all of the symptoms, but there are some.
Then I double checked my blood work results. The test for “clots” as many Google searches showed me, assured me that the extremely high number I got on the test means I could have a clot. The high number has freaked me out. 4,000 is high. Mine is over 10,000. Hence, severe anxiety.
I probably don’t have either of things, but as someone with OCD and generalized anxiety, my head won’t let go of these things. Every headache today has me worrying, my increased heart rate, every time my swollen leg had pain, each time I felt some pressure in my chest, my lovely anxiety ridden OCD brain spiralled a little bit farther.
I went to restorative yoga. I breathed. I imagined a calm scene from a fanfic I am currently reading. I kept saying one of my favourite lines from Chirrut or Yoda or some smart Jedi or Jedi wannabe. “All will be as the Force wills it” keeps going over and over in my head. And yes, I do believe in some greater power or “force” out there for lack of a better word. I am trying to believe that it will be okay.
But the part that has been the hardest, is the part that I can’t quite get past. I don’t want to go through all of these appointments alone. I don’t want to go through this alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing people around me who will be there for me, and help me out, but I still come home to an empty house and sometimes I don’t want it to be empty. I just want someone to sit with me as I am crying and tell me that I’m okay and that they love me no matter what. I know that not every human is fortunate enough to have this partnership with someone, but I crave, no ache for it, and I am terrified that I will never have the chance.
I have no answers about what’s happening to me. I just keep imagining the worst possible scenarios. I realize I may need to go see my therapist early as I traipse through my own confusion. I just want answers so that I can keep moving forward. I want to believe that whatever is wrong is fixable, that it won’t interfere with camping plans, that I won’t disappoint my mom again by “wrecking” another holiday. I want to believe that modern medicine will have answers for me. Really though, I just want to know what’s going on. At least the 4 Non Blondes gave me an anthem.
And so I wake in the morning And I step outside. And I take a deep breath and I get real high. And I scream from the top of my lungs. What’s going on?